So since I have another blog that I will be using on a regular basis, I’ve decided to post one more blog post here seeing as how people have this link and what not. Anyways, here is I guess you can consider it an apology of sorts. It’s how I handle things (I’m a very weird person if you haven’t already noticed!) So you can either read it or not, but I would hope that people do.
I will warn you, it’s long.
So it’s been almost a week since the previous weekend and all the issues that followed it. I’ve had time to think and time to process things.
I guess the first thing I can review on (or reflect, reflect might be a better word). The first thing I can reflect on is how childish everyone acted. And yes I say everyone because we all acted like we were in the fifth grade (alright more like high school grade) kids. I do know that when people get angry they act a lot younger than they are. Hell it happens to everyone, I see fifty some year old professionals acting like high schoolers in the work place. It’s just the way people go about things I guess. Anyways, we all should have known better, but I should have known to not act like that myself. I can’t control how others act, but I can control how I act.
The second thing I had time to reflect on is the entire situation and how it came about. I understand someone being upset that the room of a deceased was changed without their knowledge. However, if an emergency arises, there isn’t anything anyone can really do but just move past it. I know from personal experience that I didn’t want anything about my father’s room or area to be changed. But change helps the healing process. I’m not saying I’m over it, and okay with my father being gone, but having things changed help me not be as upset. Any parent wouldn’t want their children to be sad all the time and constantly missing them. They would want their children to live their life and be excited for the future, not dwell on little things such as a bedroom or a chair placement.
Now onto the third thing…my blog. I love writing. That’s no secret to anyone that knows me. It’s something that makes me happy and sometimes helps clear my head. So let me try to explain this in the simplest way possible (I sometimes don’t make sense). My mind or brain works fast. When I come up with a story, I run through the whole thing rather quickly. So when I have thoughts in my head about life or venting frustration, my mind is going super fast. Writing long hand I can’t even begin to go as fast as my mind. I often miss words, or forget something. That’s why I type things now. It’s faster (not as fast as I need), but I make less mistakes, it’s easier to fix mistakes, and it doesn’t hurt my hand as bad. So I write in a blog, and there are some stuff I don’t mind people reading, other stuff, I like to keep private for various reasons, but mostly because I’m either venting or it’s just really personal and I just need to jot it down somewhere. I won’t go as far to thinking that someone got my password, but that is possible (I always reuse old passwords). However, I honestly think that there was a glitch in the blog. I’ve read up on it and it has happened to a few other bloggers. So for those of you who got the chance to read my private “venting” post, I’m sorry. That was never meant for public eyes. It was just me being upset with the fact that the person who is supposed to be my best friend (and I will get into that too), didn’t tell me she was flying in and then got angry at me and my boyfriend over something that could have been easily explained and the arguments could have been completely avoided. I’m sorry if I had hurt anyone’s feelings with the content of things that were said. I base everything I say (or write) off of things I hear (usually from my boyfriend because I trust his word). Does that mean I should have asked the others first about their situations? Yes, probably, but then again, it’s not my business how they spend their money, or where they live, or what they do in their spare time, or how they treat their loved ones or enemies. The only thing I take as my business is how others treat myself or my boyfriend.
Let me get into that real quick. I say that it’s my business how others treat myself or my boyfriend because when he’s upset, I am the one that is there to do my best to fix it. I remember a time before we even started dating and he just wanted to talk, and I just listened. I didn’t say anything; I just opened my ears and listened to him. Even after we started dating, I listen. I wake up at 2am to rub his chest when he’s sick, or I run to the store to get him medicine. When you love someone, and I mean truly love them, seeing them upset, or angry or hurt or sick is the worst feeling. Especially if there isn’t anything you can do to fix it. So I say it’s my business because he is my business. He’s my hero, my knight, my world, and an amazing human.
So the best friend thing…well here’s the deal. Best friends don’t have to live near each other, and I get that. Mine move halfway across the country to be with someone she sees a future with. Who can blame her? If my boyfriend lived halfway across the country, I would have done the exact same thing. I moved about two hours for him though. Anyways, there was talk (or whatever you want to call it) of no communication. Well first, phones work two ways and second, the calls/texts should have been a lot more than every so often. Yes, I will take half the credit for the non talking. It’s not easy being in different time zones (even if it is just an hour), plus not knowing the other persons schedule. The lines should have been more between everyone and they weren’t. Do I feel bad for that? Yes I do. I feel bad because not only did my boyfriend lose family, I lost a person I love and considered to be my best friend. A person I shared just about every detail of my life with, a person who I would have been more than excited to see on a spur of the moment visit.
Over the course of the weekend, things went from one to another to something that I know no one wanted to happen. I often wish I could go back in time to change my fathers death, or the way I moved out, or the way I felt about a certain situation. This week has been hell. I can’t get through the day without wishing that I could go back to change the situation. But I’ve learned that unless this is a fiction novel, that won’t happen. So instead of changing what happened, I want everyone (myself included), to take some time (if you need to), and really reflect on it. Really think about what they want for the future. Do you want to be in someone’s life? Would you feel better just being done? Apologizes are an obvious and needed thing. I guess you could say this is the beginning of mine. I want everyone to get along, and I know not everyone will all the time, but to have things not go back to what they were (because I know that won’t happen), but to have them be better than they are now. I’m not part of the family, that was made clear. However, will be part of my boyfriends in a year and five months. I know that one thing he wants is his family at his wedding. How do I know this? Because I had a perfect wedding idea, but seeing as how no one in either family would be able to attend it, he asked that we do it where family and close friends could attend. I agreed (even though it’s not my dream wedding, it’s his). I get my dream. My dream is to be with a man who loves me for me and not for the fact that I sometimes follow the rules. A man who wants a life of love, adventure and happiness.
So now that I’ve rambled for the past 1400 words (yeah I have a counter), and if you made it this far, great, you can handle rambling, congrats. But really, if you made it this far, I hope you can take the time to appreciate the fact that I’m trying to fix what I know is broken. I know that I have made mistakes and said things that weren’t nice. Everyone did. This is me, trying. If you didn’t read this, that’s fine too. Hopefully it can be fixed, if not, at least the effort was put forward to try.
Thank you for reading (if you did).
Inside the Mind 